New York - In a disastrous instance of bloody and feathered irony, 83-year-old Anthony Greath met his untimely demise while feeding the very birds he had spent the last 37 years of his life studying.
BOSTON - It was a shock to both faculty and the student body when a suspected murder case on campus was discovered to be nothing more than the self terminating, fool-hardly attempts of a law school undergraduate Michael Sanders out to prove he was still the 'big man on campus.'
A few weeks ago, I attended the star-studded European Film Festival, a relatively new Film Festival held in the glorious...well, actually, my locally-owned independent movie theater about twenty minutes from my house and on top of that, the screenings were free. So... you really couldn't go wrong with that.
Aren't you tired of the dating scene? Where the good looking horde all the attention? Flashing their dimples and smothering everyone with their blasted Darwinian advantage?
The best poem ever written in creation was penned by a Sir Archibald Fuchester Bradley in 1885 while staying at Fenwick Manor, located about a day’s travel northwest of London. It was such an astonishing feat even Sir Fuchester himself could not believe his own right hand. True his right hand had been good to him in the past, mixing sugar into his cup at teatime or to beg his second-cousin for a place to lodge...
Showing posts with label pathetic. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pathetic. Show all posts
Friends always tell me I tend to meet strange people everywhere I go. My defence usually goes along the lines of “Hey, I am friendly; people tend to end opening up, that's not my fault! Sometimes they tell me stories they would not tell anyone else and... well, we all have quirks. So when I tell you about them, it sounds like an above average number of people who are like that. However, I am sure we all have them, both friends and stories although we just don’t tend to share the latter." Or something like that. Really.Take a few nights ago for example. I was at a bar and a girl was trying to unbutton my shirt. Sure, it doesn’t happen often, and yes, it is a great boost to one’s ego but all this was happening right at the bar and for the amusement of all onlookers. I felt the need to say something. Like asking for her name but as a gentleman, I felt I would be intruding onto her dedication and defer fervent concentration from her craft, and trust me, it was taking her quite bit of concentration. 'Vodka shots unwieldy fingers make,' that is what I constantly warn my readers.
Anyway, so after she tried to kiss me a few times --by the way, the locale in question is a rip off, a glass of table wine for $12??-- Anyway, I asked to go for a cigarette to relax. Once outside, this woman turned into the perfect example why I would never date someone I meet at a club. Not only she almost got into fight with a random girl whose boyfriend was right there. Which meant that me, as the defacto guy in tow, almost got sucked into a fight I had no part of. But wait there is more! After I managed to talk everyone out of a lot of scratching, hair pulling and punching, she then decided to curl up into a corner and become an emotional wreck. We are not talking fender bender either, more like two monorails going 215 km\h and crashing into each other kinda of catastrophe. With wheels and metal shreds exploding and decapitating flying birds and small herbivores everywhere.
All of the sudden she hated her job, her age, her life and just for kicks, me. To be honest, I was just standing there lighting a cigarette a few feet way. I knew we were just outside the lounge but I felt bad leaving her like that sobbing her problems away. Eventually her guy friend came out and asked me what as wrong with her.
‘Life.’ I said, ‘But Vodka helped.’
‘Ah.’ Then he asked me for a light.
‘Take it she gets like this...’
‘Sometimes.’
‘You are just friends?’
‘Oh yeah.’
‘Is she single?’
‘Oh, yeah.’
She then glimpsed at us, squinted and called us losers. Her friend then moved closer and asked her what has wrong? She replied by slapping his smoke off his hand. Then both stared at the lighted cigarette now on the ground. ‘That’s bad for you!’ she argued. He then came back to my side, rolled his eyes and said he was going back inside for another drink. The now obviously drunk girl (NoOdGi) left the safety of her corner and stumbled to a fountain about 75 feet away. I followed. After repeating her ‘I hate my job, age and life’ mantra she decided to throw her purse, along with all its neat contents into said fountain. Then sat on the floor and cried some more. Wow.
Out of human pity --as at this point it could not possibly be for any other reason-- I looked into the fountain but the purse which was glittery white, blended with the incandescent yellow lights of he fountain just perfectly. Adding to this, the the fact it was night time, made the purse and the make up and cell phone invisible.
A few minutes later, her friend came out and after catching on to what had happened, took off his shirt and began looking for the damn purse in the fountain. Looking and searching, working his way more by touch than by sight. Pictures of Pirates of the Caribbean came to mind. He couldn’t find it and Noodgi was getting pissed off. I could not help smirking at the sheer spectacle. At that moment Noodgi caught me and began insulting me. But can anyone take the insults of a drunken woman who threw her own purse, along with her car keys into a fountain seriously?
Her friend couldn’t find the purse and he was getting pissed off. Why? Because he was going to get a ride from her --something I DID learn is that both of them lived in Mississauga-- mostly thanks to his rantings of disbelief.
It dawned on me that maybe just maybe, she may have overshot the fountain even though from my point of view it seemed like it had gone in. I decided to take a look a few feet further away where some patio chairs were located. As I went behind one of the chairs, lo and behold, guess what I found. A small white albeit now very dirty purse. I took it back to Noodgi, hanging off my index finger.
‘Is this yours?’ I asked.
She then gave me a hug, said she loved me and began fidgeting with its contents. I asked the guy if they were okay to make it home, as there was no way she could drive. He said yes, he would probably wait it out until she sobered up. Noodgi then asked if I wanted another vodka shot. I said I would light another cigarette first.
As they went inside, I remembered my tab was paid and all of my actual friends had gone home. As I finished my cigarette, I checked the time, found my bearings, found Yonge and King and walked for my life.
USA – CNN fills typical post Oscar's slow news days with it's own reality TV show. Producers at CNN are currently producing a new show where “People like you or I,” a CNN spokesperson was quoted as saying, “search though celebrities' garbage, looking for that great news nugget in the hopes of getting a $500 cash reward.” The show, with a working tittled of either “Guess... Who am I stalking?” or "My Pride Ain't Worth $501" will premier on CNN in the following weeks.
South Korea – Hordes of South Korean men are rushing to dump their girlfriends in mass to avoid purchasing them gifts for the upcoming White's Day on March 14th. During last month's Valentine's Day, it's only women who must customarily purchase gifts to both their significant others and every other man they work with. As such, men will relentlessly find girlfriends before February 14th only to dump them before March 14th and save themselves the hassle of returning the favour and make a tidy profit along the way. Which in turn is amplified by celebrating being single on South Korean's annual Black's Day on April 14th. Which mostly consists of singles amalgamating to enjoy some noodles in black bean sauce –hence the name-- to commiserate their single-hood. Eventually leading into an orgy of pathetically high number of one nights stands. Once again proving that being a man in South Korea is a lot better than being a woman.
Mexico – A Mexican social study published last week warned of the ongoing defection of athletes to the United States. “The statistics are particularly worrisome when applied to sprinters and marathon runners.” said Mr. Roberto Chavez, the Minister of Culture whose office funded the study, “When these trained athletes, who are at their peak athletic performance see the border so close, they can't help themselves to make a run for it. It is very concerning.” When asked how the problem could be minimized, Mr. Chavez added, “We would not mind having a bit of a brain drain instead, you know like Canada, in order to even numbers out, after all the Olympics are only a few years away.”
Tibet -- Buddhist monks, have in an unorthodox display of emotion expressed rare outrage at the growing number of Jehovah Witnesses in the small Himalayan country. As their numbers grow into the thousands, they have been described as “coming out of nowhere like water buffalo lice but three times as difficult to get rid of. Especially when they come to the entrance of your meditation cave, as we do not have doors to slam in their faces like Westerners do. It unbelievable! First it was the Chinese invasion in 1950 and now this? I mean, f*ck them and their damn Watch Towers!” said Master Songtsen Gampo, head of Lhasa's largest monastery temple.
France – French women, in a surreal yet unified statement released to the media today have vowed to never date French men again. “Women from all over the world have been warning us for ages about their rodent-like looks, smugness and cheesy accents. True we were stubborn to listen and surely red wine was partly to blame but we have seen the light! We will be looking at resumes of men around the world who would like to fill the opening of “French male.”
Naperville – Phillips R. Sacks, a veteran greeter at the local Wal-Mart would like to let Mary Reighton know he is still waiting at Kit-Kat Tsunami, a trendy downtown pool lounge and tobacco shop to begin their first date.
‘Sure, she didn’t seem interested at first, but things change. I remember there was a time last week when she wouldn’t even talk to me. Persistence pays off.’
The date began last Friday night when he arrived at Kit-Kat at around 8:00pm. Mr. Sacks spent the first three hours playing pool, then had a few beers and since then has sustained himself on a mixture of free peanuts, water and lots speciality coffee. ‘Women are always late so I don’t think much of it.’
Andrew Beers added his establishment being open 24/7 is what has kept him from removing Mr. Sacks from the premises. We normally have a $5 per person seating policy and he has been spending $5.25 every hour he’s been here. I want the good folk of Naperville to know Kit-Kat stands by its policies. Even if he starting to reek. So if you want to have a good time Kit-Kat is the place to be. Remember we do parties, weddings and catered events; look us up in the yellow pages. Our prices ar—’ When reminded the article was about Mr. Sacks endeavour, he added ‘Yeah, what a chump. He hasn't moved off that sofa and the wait staff are beginning to complain. If he stays for another day, the stench is going to get pretty bad. The moment he runs dry, he is out of here.’
Mr. Sacks met Miss Reighton at his job where she was a customer. ‘It was attraction at first sight. Mind you she gave me quite the chase. I almost lost her twice, around the toy aisle and when she hid in the women’s change room. She was sneaky, she thought I would not dare but that is how you impress a girl.’
Mrs. Reighton was contacted but we were unable to reach her for comment.