Newsbriefs: Part II

How to be an Internet Playa! It was only a matter of time before technology and the human mating dance met face to face, went out for a few drinks and ended up in a Super 8. The result? A cyber-jungle of IM services plus a volley of single, dating and discrete encounters sites. A scene not much different than the de-humanizing meat-markets found in any half lit nightclub, it seemed like things were just going to be business as usual. BUT WAIT! With the invention of that great equalizer known as the Internet, it is finally irrelevant if you are shy or if your friends call you a Picasso come to life! THERE IS MORE! Now not only the ludicrously hot (not you) and extroverted can enjoy the sinful pleasures of straying into the fancy of multiple partners, whether you like it or not! BUT WAIT! ‘How does this remarkable system, undoubtedly created by a sage in the arts of seduction works,’ you ask? Simple, I made it a personal quest to travel the world, hopping from frisky Jamaica, to romantic Paris and to the more laissez-faire city of Amsterdam to collect research. The rest of Europe, Asia, and Africa were also on the itinerary—somewhere— but unfortunately, I got as far as mythical London, Ontario before running out of funds and forced to use a Money-Mart to buy the bus trip home. Either way, after ten minutes of Googling, I was able to extract the elixir to create this revolutionary system. WOW, I AM GETTING A LITTLE EXCITED! Yes, and you should be. TELL ME MORE! As part of your guide into history, you will receive my smouldering ‘How to be an Internet Player’ guide, smack full of essays and ‘how-to’ nuggets. Such as: Chapter I: Don’t offer to buy her a drink, you stupid. Chapter III: Typos as the lubricant of Internet love. Chapter VI (a): Stretching the truth is just another way of saying ‘I like you.’ Chapter VI (b): Instant Messengers are crude forms of communication, so what if you said you are 6’3’? Chapter VI (c): Having a six pack means different things to different people. How to just go with it. Chapter IIX: Ask her which Hollywood star she thinks is hot; then tell her you just happen to be his look-alike! If you have any qualms with this, refer to Chapter II. Chapter X: How come the women on the Lavalife dating website don’t look anything like the ones in the commercials? The mystery explained! Chapter XIII: How to type with only your left hand. Chapter XX: So, she ended up being a man? How to just go with it. THIS IS PURE GOLD… I AM SALIVATING! Yes, but there is more! Aside this soon to-be New York best seller, you will also get my 24\7 email support in case you have any questions. Yes, I will personally read and analyze your concerns and will advise in a true mentor like fashion. Send me your questions and orders to: IS THERE A CATCH? Are diamonds ever free? Most women have to get married just to get one. But don’t worry; you don’t have to marry me. I will settle for only five easy payments of $19.95! Yes! Benefit from my lack of pride! You will be enjoying the benefits of this brilliant system in no time, whether you like it or not!

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